PHOTOGRAPHIC AUTOBIOGRAPHY

There is no particular reason for chosing this photo. There are at least a dozen better ones that are more appropriate for this task. But don´t you know the moment when you see something and feel somekind of relationship with it?

That just happened to me when I saw this photo. It´s taken on June, the 22nd, 2005 and it forced me to remember on certain things... The basic things of our life.

This photo has it´s story, one of the most beautiful I´ve passed through.

It was the last day of my high-school, the end of those days when me and my company marched through the town armed only with smile, saying Bruce Springsteen words, ˝We´ll learn more from the tape that is playing for 3 minutes, than we´ll ever learn at school...˝

On this day we were so moved and entranced because we were finally ending our High, but also it could be seen a sight of tears in our eyes, because we´ll never quote Springsteen together again. In our left hand we were carrying our diplomas, and with right hand we tried to hide our eyes, and dry our cheeks.

I was so proud on myself on that day, but also on that day my secret was revealed. Person right next to me was my main, and my favourite teacher, and when the ceremony was over, she asked me ˝Ajla, honey, what do you believe in?˝

Then started the conversation, in which I got messages that will lead me for the rest of my life.

I looked her with a confused look. ˝I don´t know what you are actually refering to? For these 4 years you have met me like noone in this school. Even you told me that I was a bit sceptic person who actually believed in nothing˝, I replied.

-˝But it´s not like you...to believe in nothing. Your works show something different.˝

-˝Are you talking about religion, or something like that?˝

-˝No, I´m not, because we are not shallow pepole to talk about religion. I want to know what faith will lead you through your future life? What´s your true faith?˝

She knew me better than I thought.

-˝Yes, there is something in what I believe in˝, I finally admitted. ˝As long as I know for myself I believe in Love. But, I´m ashamed of that, and I´m hidding this secret deep inside my heart, in the same part that is still overjoyed with the toys from the Kinder-eggs.˝

-˝That is a very strong faith, you know. And you should not be ashamed of it.˝

-˝But I´m. Noone actually believe in it anymore. My faith just went downhill.˝

-˝Why?˝, she asked.

Then I retold her a story that happened few days ago, and with which my faith lost its eternal fan.

-˝Few days ago my friend left his girlfriend, nice girl, pretty and bright. He never mentioned why, he only said that he is ´without any emotion towards women´. I reacted on his words like an Old Inquisition on the witches and magicians, and I was ready to burn him in the name of my Holy Inquisition, for which the Love is the biggest law, and only goddess. I was ready to curse him before dawn, put him on a cross, and above his head write: MWAL (Man who was afraid of Love). However, I didn´t do that, because I love him, and almighty Love forgives everything, but I suggested him to walk around covered with a black sheet, with a bell around his neck, to warn women that they should avoid him.

Like that in the Middle Ages had to walk people who were suffering from a disease, so that healthy people could run away before they came.

My friend is a man who doesn´t need Love. Oh, when do you know that you are suffering from that disease?

Soon, I became afraid of the man who is ´without emotions´, and I behave myself to him differently than before, although he is my best friend.

On the other hand, a close friend of mine is ´unhappy in Love´. That woman is very pretty, intelligent and above all, successful in what she is doing. But there is no Him. The Love Apostol. Or what ordinary people would say, a husband who will do laundry, cooking and cleaning, and because of who she will sit sometimes in her huge toilet and cry, because she expected something else from her life, marriage, Love...

However, my friends are standing on the oposite sides: He can have love, but he doesn´t want it, she wants it, but can not have it.

But everything circles around Love, and how it is in the most of the cases- unfair. So litterally, I believe in something that actually doesn´t exist. Then, can you tell me why my religion is strong?˝, I finished my story with a question, and I thougth that she´ll not answer me. But I was wrong, because she continued:

-˝You should understand that everyone from us has his reason for happiness, or an explanation why he exists. The sad truth is that small number of us is on this world because two people were really in love. But now, when we are here, it doesn´t matter. The only important thing is that we believe that one day we will meet Real Love. So, don´t you ever say again, that you don´t believe in that. That is your right, something yours. But also, don´t think that your faith has not have negative sides. We see everyday that in her name people kill each other.

´The Safe House´in BiH is full of victims who are there because of Love. But, Ajla, you must know what they don´t, the difference between Love and Hate.

Laura Kipnis in her book ´Against Love´ says: ´Empty is that soul without Love´, so let the Love be major goddess in your life, not just an Apostol, or a fallen angel, like you´re thinking now. All religions are based on Love. Let the Love be your religion.˝, she said and went.

From that moment, I don´t laugh any more to my idea that Love is new religion. And whenever someone says anything against it, I´ll quote my teacher and Laura Kipnis: ´Empty is that soul without Love...´

RESPONSE TO LAMOTT´S ESSAY

I know a couple of writers, who wrote books that within few months became bestsellers. Not that I am not keen on such of the books, but I consider that a large number of them are written only with a wish to became popular.

Written either in a short period, or in a very large one, in the most of the cases without any concept, they do not show author´s idea or a message, that all books should have.

That´s the main reason why I totally agree with Lamott´s work. The only way to become a true and respectful writter is to write as Lamott shows. Writing those three drafts is basic thing, if you want to create a memorable book.

The most important part of writing a book is also the hardest one... The first draft is like preparing for a new creature to be born. Those first words put in a paper, without any order, are usually the main point of the book. Devided from the complete book, all the written words have certain power and significance, and represent messages that will be given to the future readers. Even I made a small concept of this essay. I wrote a list of the things that I should pay attention on.

Eventhough You are reading now a final product, I cannot say that there wasn´t a second draft. second draft was creating my essay. Connecting ideas with an order into one thought, and making sentences from selected words and expressions.

Writing a second draft is often the most hardest part for me. I always have an idea what to write about, and my head and paper are full of expressions that I could use, but selection of the most effective ones is making me problems.

Maybe I´m too strict to myself, but I always think that I could do 2nd draft better, that I could choose more proper or stronger expressions.

This essay that You´re reading now, is just the finest possible work. I don´t say that is the best done, but all in all, it´s just a rewriting of the 2nd draft, in which I gave up my best.

Even the best writers are sometimes not satisfied with the published product, but I don´t like to make huge changes on my 1st and 2nd draft. Besides grammar and spelling changes, I´m not keen on changing my concept.

I think, like Lamott, that only the first written words are showing who you really are, and what you want to write about, and I´ll never doubt in that.